Lost Generation

Exam Week

Life has been a balance of the positives and the negatives lately, and I feel like they're stretching further to the extremes of each one. Some fantastic things have happened lately; I figured out a way to compete in Visual Arts Classic and Academic Decathlon! (It's going to be a lot of work, but I'll hold that though until the next paragraph.) Also, I got into Lawrence with a $10,500 scholarship, and Beloit gave me a $10,000 scholarship! I'm so grateful. I was worried about the cost of private schools, both because of the burden on my parents and the student loans I'll be paying off later on, but it's beginning to become manageable.

What hasn't been manageable lately, however, is my time. (It's really bad that I'm blogging right now, but today is the first day I got to go home right after school in quite a while.) I have Visual Arts Classic, which involves meetings, research, and working on my photos; meetings and tons of reading for Academic Decathlon; writing and meetings for newspaper (we really need to get on that); pit rehearsals for Thoroughly Modern Millie are currently twice a week, but will bump up to 5-6 days a week pretty soon; I'm writing a 15-page paper for my senior AP English project; and on top of that, I have normal homework and a job.

I'm so busy, I don't even have enough time to write about my work predicament. Great.

“All human beings are also dream beings. Dreaming ties all mankind together.”

I rediscovered my love for Jack Kerouac in English class today. We spent the whole hour listening to recordings of him and reading his poems. This one is much more lighthearted than most of his stuff, but it makes me giggle every time I hear it, so I just couldn't help posting it:

bluuurrrghh

(Sorry for everything being either rants or doom and gloom lately. Ah, January.)

AWESOME THINGS:

• We're going to state for Academic Decathlon! I can't exactly say we dominated, but one of the other schools in our region is second in the nation, so coming anywhere close to them is great, considering we're a new team.
• VAC is starting up; the more art, the better.
• Musical is starting, too. Throughly Modern Millie seems like it's going to be a lot of fun. I play cello in the pit orchestra, so it's a great day to be involved and use my talents.
• I GOT INTO BELOIT! I can't believe I haven't posted this yet! I got my acceptance folder a couple weeks ago.
• My best friend sent me my belated birthday gift today. It's almost three months late, quite spontaneous, and overall very lovely. :)
• Intrinsic motivation. It's so helpful.
• I'll have 8th hour senior release in two weeks. That means I can go to study hall, sign in to a classroom, or go home! It's going to be very helpful.
• The phrase "balance between hope and uncertainty." It's from my friend Morgan's speech on limerence (not limericks!), and I think it's beautiful.

NOT-SO-AWESOME THINGS:

• Regionals for VAC and state for AcDec are the SAME DAY. I have no clue what I'm going to do. I've been committed to VAC since sophomore year, so it's going to end up taking seniority, but...I've devoted to much to AcDec.
• Musical is going to take up a LOT of time, as is newspaper, VAC, and/or AcDec. I honestly don't know what I'm going to do.
• I still have a job. Money is never a bad thing, but, again, I have to devote 10-20 hours a week to it.
• On top of all of this, I still have regular classes. Which mean regular homework/projects/essays/tests.
• Exams are apparently next week. It doesn't really seem like it though...literally one teacher has fully told us what the exam is, and that's my gym teacher. This seriously concerns me.
• My brain is so worried about all of this that it resorted to list form for this blog post.

The Sixth of January-David Budbill

The cat sits on the back of the sofa looking
out the window through the softly falling snow
at the last bit of gray light.

I can't say the sun is going down.
We haven't seen the sun for two months.
Who cares?

I am sitting in the blue chair listening to this stillness.
The only sound: the occasional gurgle of tea
coming out of the pot and into the cup.

How can this be?
Such calm, such peace, such solitude
in this world of woe.

Frustration

(this book is much more exciting than you'd think, actually)

I need to go on a mini-rant here. Sorry, but AcDec stress has made everything I already find irritating even more frustrating.

I don't know how it is at other schools, but my high school seems to have huge amounts of students who take AP classes. Some of them are the kind of high school kids who don't put a whole lot of effort into things; they skip or stay home "sick" from school, rarely do homework, don't show up to class the day a project/paper is due, talk/text during class, and make fun of the people who are actually interested in learning.

My AP English 12 class is overflowing with people like this, literally; we're currently short four desks. Out of the 35 or so in the class, between 10 and 20 are actually interested. (This varies depending on if I'm counting overachieving, over-involved students who do well in the class, but seem to only have extrinsic motivation. It's not the same thing as being lazy, but they usually seem to repeat what the teacher says rather than contribute to discussions, which is another one of my pet peeves.) I'm almost dreading the class at this point. I would love to have the luxury of discussing poetry, literature, and short stories with a small group of like-minded students, but I instead have to sit through a dumbed-down version of the class. Nobody wins; the people who enjoy English are bored because the information is being spoon-fed to us, and the people who don't care are stuck in the class either way.

I would love to go on (about my English class in particular, there is so much I could say about it), but I don't want to bore you. I really have to wonder, though: why take an AP class if you're not interested in the subject? Is it because it "looks good" on a college application? (In Wisconsin, UW-Madison is the hardest school to get accepted to, and also a notorious "party school." Ironic.) I just can't fathom it. Maybe this sounds pretentious, but I feel people like this are hindering my education. Is it really that ridiculous for me to wish people who don't care about school very much wouldn't take AP classes? Everyone would be better off.

What's so funny 'bout peace, love, and understanding?

I've been listening to a TON of Elvis Costello recently, which made me think back to this picture I saw on nerdboyfriend.com. love love love.